Latest publication of a long-awaited edition of our "OFFICE QUOTE BOOK"

My name's Houdini. Ah'm a MIND reader.

Situation serious and absurd, as usual.

I think it's calcium, I think it's moon dust, I think it's ground up bits of fairy carcass….

Pocket Protector Children should not be allowed to do things for other people.

Wait, without my glasses, I can't hear well. *puts glasses on* Now, what did you say?

I remember the books from when I was a kid. I didn't read 'em, so the movies were great.

Feet, they go with what you're wearing.

If you don't go, I'd be happier than a sissy in a boy's camp.

Java, Joe, Pete, George, whatever his name is, I got some.

So apparently I'm not fluent in "Skunk." Instead of saying "Sir, would you please leave," I think I said, "Yo' mama…."

It's a good thing I'm not sitting on the Great Throne. Else you'd have to get some asbestos pantyhose.

You have the unfortunate position on the team of being the javalin catcher….

I think you're going to end up with some kind of dimented cross between Aunt Jimima and Cyndi Lauper out of that….

It can't be too much of a chic flick if it's got a poop pie.

With a C-clamp, you can attach anything.

Hey, if a mime gets stage fright….is it for real? or is it just an act?

I knew it was gonna be something special when I looked to the left and saw the sun, and looked to the right and saw the moon.

She's back there slinging pots; she's got something on her MIND, not just something on the stove.

Oh, bonus, I found money in my pants.

I don't remember what it was I was watching, but they were on the moon, and they found a woman's body. It was Alice Kramden.

Dude Looks Like a Lady

The other nite, while my little old lady housemate, Mary & I were watching American Idol, every time judge Steven Tyler would speak, Mary would observe, baffled, "I wonder why that lady has such a mannish voice?!"

I'd reply, "That IS a man!" and Mary would exclaim, "WHAT?! With all that hair and jewelry and everything?"

"Yes, he's a rock star...."

She was repeatedly aghast!


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3rd Edition Office Quote Book 2010

**Office Quote Book 3rd edition 2010**

Another edition of "actually overheard in our office" for your reading pleasure. ;)


There are two sides to every coin. Heads, I win; tails, you lose….

I love public television. Where else can you get a 15 minute commercial about not having commercials?

You can't fix old. I hate wrinkles. It's like ten miles of bad road.

Yeah, it's harder to get bigger than that….That would be a mammoth whale.

If you work in a mortuary, and business is dying, is that a good thing?

Thank you for asking. Or requesting. I'm not sure which word is best.

Young Suhn got the Gong 'cause he was wrong. Hong Kong bells do not go 'ding dong, ding dong.' They have a more sing-song bong bong, like in the movie with King Kong.

Figures don't lie, but liars figure.

You lookin' like you think you look like somethin,' but all the while you're just kin to the 'Keys….the MONkeys….

You're just a mule peepin' out from under the shelter.

Yeah, my flicker is definitely broken.

That's just what we need, popcorn scented plastic. Is your car weighed down? Just eat your backseat.

C'mon. LOOK at my office. Now, how could anything get lost in here?

Why you messin' up your face like that when you eat? You look like a cat chewing a wasp.

Wisdom is what Knowledge wants to be when it grows up.

You're fine? You're lyin'. Or else you need to tell your face.

Beelzebub…I like saying it -- it kinda makes your tongue tickle! Beelzebub, Beelzebub, Beelzebub….

Hey you woodchucks! Quit chuckin' all my wood!

Pocket-protector children shouldn't be allowed to do things for other people.

Wait, without my glasses on I can't hear well, now what did you say?

Just tell 'em people in Hell want ice water.

All the weather man had to say was there was a chance of snow, and the car would start slipping and and spinning and sliding backwards…..




(…and the following are a few from a recent email forward that was making the rounds)

• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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2nd edition, 2010 OFFICE QUOTE BOOK

From ACTUALLY OVERHEARD at my workplace from mid-year, last year. There is also a 3rd edition I may post, here, as well. :)

ENJOY:


I may be an "idealist" insofar as I desire the ideal, but I am perennially disappointed by reality. That doesn't make me a pessimist. That makes me an ideal realist.

Just watch that you don't get to drinkin' too much, or make sure you check behind your ears, you might have the beginnings of a gill. Or a sudden increased urge to go swimming.

…I would say 99.5674 percent of the time. But that's just an estimate.

They don't wanna trust me with a chainsaw. I'd hurt more than the trees. It would be the Comstock Chainsaw Masacre.

Person one: I smell popcorn.
Person two: That may just be 'cuz I have my foot-heater on too high.

My honorary Japanese name is Young Foo'….Young Foo', tha rapper!

What you say, "them sparks my buds"?

It's not a question of "Who's first in line for soup?" - there is no soup! I got an empty pot.

I wish I'da came up with the idea of Facebook.

Person 1: I got two words for you. Iyanegonebe-Abildoowit.
Person 2: You gonna DO it and you gonna LIKE it.

I'm too cool to sweat.

Yeah, I get these emails from you that are darker and the font is all different; you're throwing off my Chi.

If your name is "Nick," what's your nick-name?

I'm allergic to bills. My typical symptoms are breaking into a sweat and shortness of breath….

You can't ride in a convertible with the top down and the windows up!

You scroll down the list, and it's, "ick ick ick, maybe maybe, OH! OH!"

It's a case of who's running the assylum, today. Is it the prisoners or the inmates? Or the patients? I think it's the patients, today.

I wonder if all the fire in the world comes from there. You know? All the conflict. It starts there and works it's way out and around the globe and comes back on itself….Maybe I should write a book of Curiosity?

Well it's her own fault for marryin' you. I mean, really, she just brought it on herself.

Doctor says, "All's well that ends swell."

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~Bird Watching with Mary~

The other night, I was enjoying the quiet evening with Mary - sitting with her in her living room, munching some Homestyle Popcorn and watching the birds flit about the bird feeders dangling from the front porch. From time to time, we commented about the various "dramas" unfolding in front of us - which birds were bullies, how each bird seemed to wait their own turn, etc.

I wish I knew Mary in her younger years - I feel I get a glimpse of how her mind must have worked when she was at her sharpest. Now, at 87, she is often quite childlike, perhaps moreso because her memory has started to fail.

Nevertheless, here's a portion of our actual conversation that nite:



mary: i wonder what time birds go to bed.

~ me: i don't know; you hear the early bird gets the worm, so mebbe they go to bed early, too?

mary: you'd think they must not be able to see too good at night. 'course, what about night owls?

~ me: they must be the exception if they've gotta have "night" in the name.

mary: the exception that proves the rule.

~ me: i s'pose so.

*pause*

mary: i wonder what time birds go to bed....



~L

~Driving Thru a Rainbow~

Was driving home from work this evening and could see I would be entering a pop-up summer thunderstorm in the distance as the sun was getting low in the sky behind me - a perfect recipe for a Rainbow. So I had my eyes wide open, scanning the cloud linings.

Sure enuf, I saw one suddenly appear to the left of the freeway as I was also being attentive not to hydroplane, and I noted with fascination that I drove fully up TO and then THROUGH the rainbow which (by virtue of my angle of view) magically faded and disappeared just moments later.

Later, after communicating this bit of childlike dreamy wonder, my friend Mary quipped, "Did you find a pot of gold or run over a leprechaun?"

To which I soberly replied, "...The rest of the road home was built out of yellow brick. Is that strange??"


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perhaps only funny cuz is sad but true?

This list of "characters" was in an ad I received recently for a seminar being offered on how to deal with unacceptable employee behavior - Thought it was ... almost too true to be funny. But might bring a grin, and perhaps a conviction? (I found myself asking which one(s) fit me?)

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 The Excuse Artist — Misses every deadline and goal, but always seems to be ready with a good excuse or to place blame and point fingers at others.
 The Short-Changer — Late to work, early to leave, "stretched" lunches, extended breaks ... this person makes an art out of shortening and short-changing the workday, while leaving coworkers "holding the bag"!
 The Intimidator — Everyone's tip-toeing around this person, lest they incur wrath and anger! The Intimidator uses fear and bullying tactics to control coworkers and can single-handedly ruin an entire team.
 The Gossip — Behind closed doors, over the grapevine, and under the radar, they're waging verbal warfare ... personal attacks, rumors, carping, and criticism are the tools of their trade!
 The Clod — This one is a master procrastinator ... and when the Clod does finally get down to business, the work progresses at a snail's pace ... stressing out team members, putting other departments behind schedule, and ultimately, guaranteeing missed deadlines and unhappy clients.
 The Downer — No matter what, this person is unhappy ... for this pessimist, the glass is always half-empty. The Downer maintains a consistently negative, stifling presence and constantly spreads the bad news to everyone else.
 The Minimalist — Apathetic and low-performing ... these unmotivated workers can be counted on to give the bare minimum (or even less). They make an art out of turning in mediocre performances that are poor enough to frustrate managers ... but passable enough to keep them employed!
 The Soap Star — Their continuing "soap opera" of problems not only hurts their own productivity, but distracts sympathetic coworkers who get drawn into their never-ending predicaments and problems.
 The Itch — They need constant attention, reassurance, and feedback ... and take so much energy and time to manage, you often find yourself sacrificing your job responsibilities to help them meet theirs!
 The Smarty-Pants — Challenges your management authority openly and forcefully, constantly questions management decisions, and creates a harmful undercurrent of "anti-management" chatter.


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