ONE SHOE

*originally posted on FB on 4/6/10*

For the past couple days, one unaccompanied woman's size 9 shoe has been sitting on a mat by the back door, and periodically Mary - the elderly lady with whom I now live - has picked up the shoe to fuss about where it could have come from.

I suggested she keep it by the door in the event the owner might find it upon a return visit (we receive regular visits from various family members at the house), though neither of us could imagine how someone could walk out and not notice one shoe missing.

Last night, upon one more asking of "Who could this belong to? I can't imagine someone leaving just one shoe!," I teased her by saying "Well, Mary, it belongs to my invisible friend, Marge!" When Mary scoffed, I feigned insult and said, "Now don't make fun...Just cuz she only has one leg!!"

Mary paused for a moment like she couldn't quite tell if I was kidding, then burst out laughing and promptly chased me around the kitchen till she could swat my bottom with that self-same, lonely shoe!

...The act of which caused her to discover there was some tissue stuffed into the toe, and realizing that would make a size 9 more like an 8 1/2 (her size), she went to rummage in her closet where she (finally) found the other 1/2 of the pair and exclaimed that by golly it WAS her shoe after all!



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1st Edition 2010 OFFICE QUOTE BOOK

I keep a collection of quotes actually heard around the office where I work; I try to keep these clean, so MUCH of what I hear doesn't get saved, or gets "bleeped" with *'s as needed. But, for those who like a little chuckle, it seems to boost morale. ;) Here's the latest:

1st Edition 2010 OFFICE QUOTE BOOK

I may just be tilting at windmills, here....

I'm just waitin' to see if this was the overplay for the underlay....

Oh, buzzard bait!

I got this Hawthorne, and it's a sticky little bugger!

I just don't wanna go out in the cold; I have advanced candy-a**-itis.

Fairy dust I do, it's the guaranteed fairy dust I have a little more difficulty with.

I'm not done bein' young, yet.

Then it's like a harmonica, you've got it comin' in and goin' out.

person 1: ...I had a girlfriend of German descent, once.
person 2: I bet she was beautiful!
person 1: Very. But half the time, I couldn't understand anything she was sayin'. I'd have to look at her face to know if it was good or bad....And sometimes, I'd have to ask, "That's good, isn't it?"
person 2: You do that when I'm speaking English to you....

As one vulture said to the other, "Patience my butt, let's kill something."

She wanted a checklist, and "When are you meeting your checklist?"....Frickin' School-Marm stuff.

person 1: ...and that's why I drink when I leave here.
person 2: You wait till you leave? I should try that....

...You know somethin' that Punxatony Phil doesn't know?

person 1: How are you?
person 2: Good. It's just ... It's a bad thing when the blood trail leads to the knife you just cleaned off and put in the drawer.

Is that a roast beef joint run by medieval women?

So, when you grow up, you wanna be an OJ's type singer?

Oh, good! The tuition reimbursement has been reinstated. I can sign up for that "ballet for dummies" class I wanted!

You might say he is handsome. I might say he is brilliant. And we could both be right. This isn't one of those kinda situations.

I can't imagine when underwear used to be made out of burlap. That can't have been too comfortable. How could you tell your kids to settle down when they're just itchin' and scratchin'....

I've heard a "quarter" defined as "Oh yeah, that one that clanks really loud in the offering plate as it goes by...."

person 1: That's an LAE.
person 2: LAE?
person 1: "Lame A** Excuse"
person 3: Hard to get a visual on that one; I dare ya.
person 2: It works for the 4-legged variety!
person 3: ...Oh, as in a gimpy burro? That could be code from here out....

Whatever trips yer trigger.

You're the pig, not the chicken.